Top Three Songs for Shaving your Legs

3. "Pretty Woman," Roy Orbison

At some point in my past, there was a boy who was hopelessly, devotedly (hopelessly devoted?,) and forever in love with me. He sang me this song. Always, always, I was delighted, happy to sashay my way around into his heart, and moreso, because man, oh man, does it feel good to be female.

"Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeee"

Oh, yes, absolutely! What could I want more than submerging myself in a bathtub, flipping my legs up, finding all the curves, following them, and then pretending to flirt with Roy Orbison who is somewhere in my bathroom falling over his tongue over me? I'm positively giggly and flirty and sassy and lovely. I need a ponytail. And some pink bubblegum. Check. Now I'm ready to meet Bobby at the Homecoming Dance.

2. "Santa Baby," Eartha Kitt

I don't think I desired anything more after hearing this song when I was eight, and fully capable of understanding what sexy sounds like, than to drape myself in diamonds and a Tiffany Blue velvet gown lined in white faux fur and sit atop a Tiffany Blue painted porsche, surrounded by lavish, velvet wrapped gifts in order to tell my lover that I absolutely wanted nothing more than him. Oh, and one little thing; a ring, noo, I don't mean on the phone, thank you very much for getting the hint.

Let's be honest: The fantasy has advanced a bit. Now, I'm sure I could dress myself up entirely in ribbons and walk as if I hadn't a care in the world around my flat strategically untying them. But the first one? The second-grade fantasy? Hey, that's pretty advanced for an eight-year-old. Talk about Catholic repression...

1. "All that Jazz," Catherine-Zeta Jones, Chicago

There's a disclaimer I'm adding to this Top Number One Song to Shave your Legs to. Here's why: You might not actually get your legs shaven. If you're like me, you may get about two swipes up half your leg, before you start sassing your legs around. You might get to the knee before your hips are moving, and the water's splashing all over the tub. And if you're superbly like me, you might not even get to your thigh before you're already out of the tub, jazz-handing your way around the flat, using the futon as a kick stand and vaulting off of it into the air for the high points in the song.

You may forget that you're completely naked, and that the windows have no curtains on them.

You may remember that you don't actually care because there's a huge mango tree there anyway.

You may rewind the song and do it again. Yep. Rewind that baby.